Our Emotional Needs at Odds

Husbands and wives are generally unaware that they have different or differing emotional needs. Therefore, instinct is not much help when it comes to meeting each other’s needs. Husbands and wives tend to give what they themselves desire, and as a result, they often end up discontented and resentful.

At times, both husbands and wives feel their love is unacknowledged and unappreciated. They are giving, but the spouse is not receiving. This can be very frustrating indeed.

A wife thinks she is being very loving when she asks a lot of caring questions and expresses concern. This can be very annoying to the husband, especially when he is tired or in his ‘cave’—men often need short periods of solitude to recharge their emotional energy. Social scientists call this the ‘cave’ mentality. The husband feels ‘controlled,’ which leaves the wife confused, because if her husband asked her such questions, she would simply love it.

In fact, she longs for it and hopes that her husband will reciprocate in the same manner. Similarly, husbands think they are being very loving, but their expression of love can leave their wives feeling insecure. When a wife gets upset, the husband typically says something like, “Don’t worry, it will be okay,” or he ignores her, assuming he is giving her the opportunity to go into her own cave. What a husband thinks is supportive may make his wife feel unloved and ignored.

When a wife is upset, she needs to be heard and understood. The husband, who values solitude, assumes that leaving her alone will help her too. Without insight into these differing needs, both the husband and the wife fail to understand why their attempts to help are unsuccessful. This leaves both frustrated and emotionally drained. Close relationships require high volumes of emotional energy in addition to the necessary physical energy. Emotional needs can be summed up as the need for love. Husbands and wives have twelve emotional or love needs; among these, six are primary—and the primary needs are different for husbands and wives.

Husbands become fully receptive to and appreciative of the six kinds of emotional needs required by wives when their own primary emotional needs are first fulfilled. Similarly, wives need their primary emotional needs fulfilled before they can fully appreciate those of their husbands. Every person ultimately needs all twelve emotional needs; the difference lies in the order of priority. Understanding the primary emotional needs of our spouse is a powerful secret for improving relationships in marriage—the true Marriage Mantra.

The most significant and practical aspect of this understanding is that these emotional needs are reciprocal. When a husband expresses care and understanding, his wife naturally begins to reciprocate with trust and acceptance. In the same way, when a wife expresses trust, her husband naturally responds with care and understanding.

“In giving, you shall receive” is a mantra that may seem countercultural today, but in the most sacred relationship between husband and wife, it is a time-tested truth that works—when the giving is selfless, motivated by love, and consistent. A commitment to give to our spouse unconditionally, simply because we love them, can transform our relationship as husbands and wives.

True love compels us to give—and to give sacrificially, unconditionally, and without ulterior motives. One can give without loving, but we cannot truly love without giving.

_{All images used are for illustrative purposes only and have been sourced from Pexels.}