Children of Infidelity

Ana Nogales, Ph.D., author of Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, coined the term “children of infidelity” to identify children of any age whose parent or parents engage in one or more acts of infidelity. As permissive as society has become, most children are deeply hurt by a parent’s infidelity because, like the betrayed parent, they too feel betrayed.

More than 800 grown children whose parents were unfaithful responded to Nogales’s online Parents Who Cheat survey:

• 88.4% felt angry toward the cheating parent

• 62.5% felt ashamed or embarrassed

• 80.2% felt it influenced their attitudes toward love and relationships

• 70.5% said their ability to trust others had been affected

• 83% stated they believe people regularly lie

• 86% reported they still believe in monogamy

   

Younger children might not fully understand the situation, but they can be traumatized by the change in the emotional climate of the home.

Nogales’s survey confirms that children feel betrayed when a parent betrays a spouse. While the betrayed parent may no longer expect anything from the cheating partner, the child is left with a mixture of hopeful expectations and overwhelming fears. Children often find themselves in a nightmare with few viable options. One option is to accept the unacceptable—that they have been betrayed by their parent—and hope that by doing so, they will secure that parent’s love and attention. Another option is to express their outrage, at the risk of being emotionally abandoned by the very person whose love they desperately need.

Whether they are six, sixteen, or twenty-six years old at the time of the infidelity, these children often struggle with unresolved psychological issues that may persist throughout their lives. Regardless of age, children whose parents have been unfaithful often react with intense emotions such as anger, anxiety, guilt, shame, sadness, and confusion. They may act out, regress, or withdraw. Some feel pressured to win back the affection of the unfaithful parent, while others may feel responsible for supporting the betrayed one. Ultimately, when parents model infidelity, their children are bound to be affected—often struggling to navigate their own dating and marital relationships.

The Legacy of Infidelity

“I’m not saying that everyone does it, but 55 percent of adult children who came from families where one parent was unfaithful ended up being cheaters themselves,” says clinical psychologist Ana Nogales. When a man is unfaithful to his wife, he is also being unfaithful to his children. How will these children ever trust again? What kinds of relationships will they form? Will they carry the same patterns of unfaithfulness into their own relationships simply because that’s what they saw in their family?

Infidelity is a legacy passed from one generation to the next. As adults, these children of infidelity are more likely to be unfaithful to their own partners. Parents who have affairs are not only lying to their spouses—they are often deceiving themselves about the impact of their actions on their children. Many tell themselves, “The children are too young to understand what’s happening,” or, “It doesn’t concern them,” or even, “Children are resilient.” But all evidence points to the contrary.

People don’t just betray their spouses when they shatter a family with a serious affair—the sad truth is that children often grow up feeling that their parent was unfaithful to them as well.

Impact on the Child

Younger children might not fully understand what has happened, but they can still be deeply affected by the emotional shift in the home. They often feel as though something foundational—something that held their world together—has been broken. Though they may not be able to articulate this clearly, they may express it through regressive behaviors such as physical illness, clinging, bed-wetting, thumb-sucking, fire-setting, temper tantrums, or night terrors. These are all fear-based reactions to the perceived collapse of the family unit.

Conversely, some children respond by trying to be perfect—hiding the deep anxiety consuming them inside. If their parents are preoccupied, children may feel abandoned and unloved. It’s important to remember that the younger a child is, the more their family represents their entire world.

Older children may also regress but are usually better able to express what they are feeling. As they develop abstract thinking, they begin to worry about the future—wondering what will happen to their family, how their lives will change, and who they might lose if a divorce occurs. These children may act out in an attempt to gain attention or prevent further deterioration of the family. Behaviors such as shoplifting, vandalism, fighting, running away from home, hyperactivity, fire-setting, or even suicidal threats are not uncommon.

They may believe: “If my parents see how upset I am, they’ll stay together.”

Even if you don’t explicitly tell your children about the affair, older children often find out on their own—by overhearing arguments or adult conversations. While every child reacts differently, the following responses are almost universal:

Embarrassment

Children of unfaithful parents often feel deep shame about the situation. One parent has done something that hurt the other and is frowned upon by society. Children may fear that others are talking about the situation, and they may feel tainted by association simply for being part of the family.

What Parents Can Do

Be available. Let your child talk. Just listen. As difficult as it may be, both parents should address the situation. The cheating parent may be met with silence or anger, but it is important to apologize for the hurt caused and to offer to talk about it—perhaps in the presence of a therapist. The non-cheating parent may be in a better position to communicate with the child. The key message must be that the affair occurred between the parents and does not affect the love between the cheating parent and the child.

As with all divorces and betrayals, it takes time for children to process, accept, and heal. Your emotional availability and support during this process are the greatest gifts you can give them.

Sources

• Kate Figes, “How to Ruin Your Child’s Chance of a Happy Life,” Daily Mail. Accessed 28 November 2016.

• Brette Sember, “How Infidelity Affects Children,” Woman’s Divorce. Accessed 28 November 2016.

• Susan Berger, “How Do Affairs Affect Children,” AboutAffairs.com. Accessed 28 November 2016.