Understanding Your Child

Karun, my three-year-old, picked up a broken toy from the sofa and questioned loudly, “Who broke this toy?” He repeated the question, glancing curiously at me.

A few years ago, I would have responded with something like, “I don’t know… Did you break it?” Resisting the urge to say what comes naturally, I paused and thought about what his question really meant. I reassuringly looked back at him and said, “Sometimes toys do break when we play with them.” At that instant, he perked up and resumed his play. Karun seemed content. He had found the answer to his unspoken question: “What happens to boys who accidentally break their toys during play?” To him, my answer meant, “Mum knows toys can break during play. She is not angry, and I don’t need to be afraid.”

Beneath the Questions

Dr. Haim Ginott explains in his book Between Parent and Child that “conversing with children is a unique art with rules and meanings of its own. The messages are often in a code that requires deciphering.” He goes on to explain that when a child tells of or asks about an event, it is frequently best to respond not to the event but to the relationship that the child is implying.

For example, Tanya, who is eight years old, knocks at my door every afternoon when school is done. She is very excited to see our pet bird but is not sure how I feel about her daily visits. She peeps into the kitchen ever so often, seeking reassurance. How does she ask for it? She asks questions that seem unrelated. For example, as I was once spreading butter on bread, she touched the butter with her fingers and asked me, “What is this, aunty?” It startled me initially.

I didn’t know what to say. Did the child not know what butter looked like? And then it dawned on me. Underneath that question was a plea: “Aunty, I love spending time here. I hope it is fine with you.” In response, I simply said, “Tanya, I look forward to you coming every day. The kids are always excited to play hide and seek with you.” A bright smile flashed across her face, and she skipped away happily with my little ones in tow.

Sometimes, when a child comes home with a host of complaints about life, teachers, and friends, it is best to ascertain the feelings beneath the complaint rather than to glean and verify facts.

Twelve-year-old Nidhi returns home sullen and complaining.
Nidhi: I feel so upset. The teacher called me a liar just because I told her that my kid brother spilled milk on my homework and ruined it. She yelled at me.
Mother: You’ve had a very rough day.
Nidhi: Mmmm…
Mother: It must have been terribly embarrassing to be called a liar in front of the whole class.
Nidhi: It was.

Looking beneath an innocent face to uncover and recognize real struggle takes a lot of learning and practice. It is like learning a new language—the language of a listening ear combined with an empathic response. Here are some ways of dealing with children and their feelings, as told by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish in their best-selling book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk:

• Listen with full attention. Your body language sends strong signals that show whether you are interested in what your child is saying.

• Acknowledge their feelings with a word. “Oh,” “Mmm,” or “I see”—many times, this is more than enough. Too many words can distract a child from what they were intending to say.

• Give their feelings a name. For example, if Nitin storms into the room and declares, “I hate Ashish,” your response could be, “You seem really mad at Ashish,” or “You seem really furious today.”

• Give them their wishes in fantasy. Imagine a five-year-old demanding a puppy as a pet. You can say, “I hear how much you want a puppy. I wish I had a fairy godmother’s wishing wand to make a puppy appear right now.”

Descriptive Praise

We often hear phrases like “Good boy” and “Amazing kid” in praise of a child’s efforts. We fail to realize that praise that centers on the child’s personality, rather than focusing on the actual work they have done, does more harm than good. When your daughter comes to you with a painting that she has spent two hours on, it would be more appropriate to describe what you see on the paper.

Mother: I can see brown mountains and the sparkling blue sea. The sun is shining bright overhead. It makes me feel like I’m on a beach somewhere in Mauritius.

Your child looks at her painting in surprise and pleasure and believes your praise. On the other hand, if you had said, “Wow. You are the best,” it would make her withdraw, because she knows that she is not the best. Truly understanding your child’s questions, getting in touch with what they feel, and using descriptive praise together go a long way in enhancing parent-child communication.

_{All images used are for illustrative purposes only and have been sourced from Pexels.}