I Do / I Don’t

One wonders what makes people still choose marriage even today. For ages, marriage has met the need for companionship — and that need remains the same. It’s no surprise that this “outdated” institution continues to be chosen, with many marriages thriving across the world.

Q1: A 24-Year-Old Male in a Live-in Relationship

“I am a twenty-four-year-old male living with my girlfriend. We are both pursuing the same professional course and live away from family. My parents will never approve of this relationship, so I can never marry her — but she cannot live without me. I don’t know what to do!”

Cohabitation, or live-in relationships, have been on the rise in recent years. Research shows different patterns in such relationships. Yours seems to fit the pattern of “convenience,” where one partner plays the role of giver and the other, receiver. The giver keeps giving, hoping for reciprocity or a response — which often never comes.

It seems you have considered your parents’ disapproval and might be feeling guilt, disappointment, or both. You likely know that marriage with her is almost impossible, so no long-term commitment is being considered. Since you feel she cannot live without you, are you concerned about what will happen to her if the relationship ends? What is keeping you in this relationship? How is it benefiting you? Whatever benefits there may be, it’s almost impossible to come out unscathed when the relationship breaks.

My concern is that this relationship will eventually impact you negatively. Taking responsibility sooner and addressing the situation may help heal or at least reduce the pain.

Risks of Avoiding Responsibility

Ignoring the problem now may lead to disillusionment, unhealthy habits, or stronger self-protective mechanisms. This can result in repeated affairs where one chases the “high of falling in love” or engages only physically without emotional commitment. When one relationship ends, they jump immediately into another — often without intimacy or commitment. This behavior may leave a trail of broken hearts and can make one manipulative or emotionally lacking, all the while longing for true love. There is also the risk of becoming addicted to the thrill of sexual intimacy, potentially leading to promiscuity.

Facing the Consequences

For now, the relationship suits you, but can you face its consequences? Do you see where it might end? If you plan to marry another woman in the future, what will you bring to that relationship? Will guilt, secrecy, and manipulation become part of who you are?

Weighing the temporary convenience against future repercussions can help you honestly evaluate your situation. Remember, both you and your girlfriend are involved, and each choice affects the other in the long run.

Q2: A 26-Year-Old Male with Parents Who Had a Bad Marriage

“My parents had a bad marriage filled with bitter fights before they separated. I want to get married, but I wonder whether it’s worth it — I may mess it up!”

The images we form in childhood and the meanings we assign to them are powerful. Witnessing your parents’ relationship shapes your beliefs about marriage, both consciously and unconsciously. These influences may come from what you saw at home or what you learned socially, emotionally, or spiritually about marriage.

First, it’s important to acknowledge the painful associations you may have. Children, being naturally egocentric, sometimes feel responsible for their parents’ separation. You may have felt torn between two important people in your life, which must have been very difficult.

Openness and Caution

I see that you’re open to marriage but also filled with doubts due to bad memories. You are at an advantage because you are cautious and asking questions. Your desire to have a good marriage, not to “mess it up,” is healthy.

I recommend you deal with the impact your parents’ divorce has had on you. This could be as simple as talking to a trusted friend or reflecting on the beliefs you hold about yourself, others, and the world.

Expanding Your View of Marriage

At this point in your life, you have the chance to broaden your perspective on marriage. Gather facts, seek out objective views, and ask married and unmarried friends for their thoughts. Many resources, including workshops and questionnaires, are available to help you prepare for marriage.

Remember, anyone can have a good or bad marriage. Like all close relationships, marriage requires effort, care, and commitment.

Q3: A 30-Year-Old Educated Woman

“I am a thirty-year-old woman, educated and employed. My parents want me to get married, but I doubt I’ll find a man who is broad-minded and intellectually compatible. I’d rather be single than compromise! I’m unlike my mother, who stayed home and was a traditional, stereotypical wife and mother.”

More and more young women focus on careers but still value marriage and parenthood at some point. I see that you’re considering marriage seriously and are unwilling to settle for just anyone. I appreciate your honesty, courage, and self-awareness.

Clarifying Expectations

I encourage you to list your expectations and discuss them with a trusted friend, mentor, or counselor. This can help you refine your list, making your hopes more realistic and practical, aiding your decision-making.

You seek someone who will accept you as an equal, understand you, and not be intimidated by your independence or education. There are men who look for qualified and educated partners. Meanwhile, as you continue working and waiting, ask yourself if you value yourself and view marriage as important but not the entirety of life. This attitude will make you a valuable partner when marriage happens.

Changing Gender Roles in Marriage

Times have changed. Gone are the days when gender roles were rigid, and stepping outside expected roles was frowned upon. Today’s marriages allow much more flexibility. Husbands may take time off to babysit, and wives may share breadwinning responsibilities.

While roles are evolving, the core of marriage remains the same: companionship and building a home together. What worked for your mother may not work for you — you will need to find your own balance.