Using ‘I’ as Peacemaker

The pronoun “I” is defined as “used of a single person or thing; not two or more.” Don’t we all love the word I? It represents individuality and uniqueness.

In the very first marriage, one “I” was united with another “I” to live in permanent union as “we.” The single “I” is important—but so is the one who joins it. Centuries of marriage have passed, yet the wrong “I” often seems to reign supreme in relationships.

Before Marriage: Love that Focused on the Other

How deeply in love I was before the wedding! It was deep, blind, sacrificial love. Priya, my beloved, was the most precious person in my life. I would sacrifice time, money, desires—and sometimes even my own needs—just to make her happy.

The focus of my existence was the other “I.”

After Marriage: When the Selfish “I” Emerged

Then we got married.

The selfish “I,” long submerged beneath layers of love, soon surfaced—and the war began. We fought over trivial matters, each trying to make our singular “I” win. Soon we found ourselves asking, “What happened to our loving harmony?”

The selfish “I” wanted to change the other.

We went through tumultuous times—using words like slingshots, hurling fireballs of blame, expressing power harshly, exploding in anger to gain control, digging up the past, and inflicting pain.

The Battle of Marriage raged on.

Sometimes I took a beating; many times I won. But even in victory, I realised something profound:

When either one of us won, the “we” lost.
Harmony became the casualty.

Reluctant to change ourselves, we kept trying to change the other. I noticed how easily I replaced “I” with “You” when I wanted to accuse, hurt, or control.

And so began the rise of powerful antagonists.

Conversations That Fueled Conflict

Our conversations often sounded like this:

• “You don’t understand—you never do!”

• “You need to change the way this is done.”

• “You never listen!”

Such is the power of communication.

I recall a young couple once sharing their frustrations:

The woman said,

“He never compliments my cooking.”

The man replied,

“I always do! I don’t complain—I eat everything! Marriage is about sacrifice. I stopped drinking, smoking, gave up non-veg—and still she fights with me!”

She retorted,

“I started cooking non-veg, prepared food for his friends often, wore saris—and he still doesn’t understand me!”

That’s when a thought challenged me:

If “I” has caused so much trouble, can it also become the peacemaker?

Discovering the Power of “I”

I began focusing on “I” while addressing problems. It took practice, but the results amazed both of us.

Using “I” statements helped us:

• Respond rather than react

• Think before speaking

• Develop empathy

• Express feelings without attacking

Conversations shifted from accusations to invitations—inviting each other to understand feelings first.

What Changed in Practice

Instead of blaming, we began expressing emotions:

• “I feel lonely when you forget about me and watch TV.”
  The TV gets muted. Listening begins. Soon it’s switched off—and we enjoy a game of Scrabble together.

• “I would feel really happy to see you in that outfit when we go out today.”
  And she wears it!

• “I feel hurt when you compare me with other girls.”
  I stopped doing it.

• “I feel neglected when you spend all your evenings with friends.”
  That changed too.

Do you see what happened?

We brought “I” back into the conversation—clearly articulating emotions, both verbally and non-verbally.

Why It Feels Awkward at First

Some may try this and feel it sounds silly. That’s natural. It has probably been ages since you expressed your true feelings. Rust has built up from years of unspoken emotions—both in the sender and the receiver.

Here’s what helps:

• Dig out root feelings

• When angry, write them down

• Create a mind map if needed

• Identify the real emotion beneath the anger

• Share it honestly

The key is balance between verbal and non-verbal communication. Without sincerity, it will indeed feel artificial.

And don’t give up if your spouse looks suspicious at first. Once they realise your feelings are genuine, things will only improve.

Practice Makes It Natural

Like any new skill, this requires practice—at least a month before it becomes part of your communication style.

Expressing true feelings is hard because it makes you vulnerable. But vulnerability builds intimacy.

If you cannot be vulnerable with your spouse, it is an area that needs work—because transparency is a cornerstone of a happy marriage.

The Invitation

Take responsibility for your part in the relationship.

End unnecessary battles that drain love and energy.

Let the “I” that once caused conflict become the “I” that builds peace.

Choose joy. Choose harmony. Choose “we.”