How much is too much?

Our experienced family counselors answer your questions on relationships, marriage, and family.

Q1: How Much Is Too Much Contact with an Ex?

Question:
My wife and I have been married for 11 years and have two kids. I have always been faithful to my wife, and although we have had some ups and downs, we have always resolved them and remained good friends. A couple of months ago, I reconnected with my ex-girlfriend, and we had a refreshing time catching up. Since then, we have been talking on the phone. My wife doesn’t seem to have a problem with this, but I feel I shouldn’t be chatting too much. How much is too much?

Answer:
It’s good to hear that you have a strong marriage and a partner who trusts you. The fact that you are questioning the amount of contact with your ex indicates that you sense some uneasiness.

Pay attention to these feelings. Examine your emotions and thoughts behind your conversations, discussion patterns, and the time spent talking. Consider if any of your interactions might make your wife uncomfortable. Ask yourself if you would feel comfortable sharing these messages with her or having conversations in front of her.

If your wife feels upset or if you find yourself unable to converse openly with her, even slightly, that may indicate what is “too much.” This isn’t a rigid rule but a caution to protect your marriage.

A little communication with an ex may be harmless, but infidelity will hurt your marriage. Guard your heart—it is the wellspring of life. By acting mindfully, you can honor your wife and protect your marriage.

Q2: Feeling Emotionally Connected to a Colleague

Question:
My husband and I have been happily married for 7 years and have two boys. I love my husband, but I feel more connected to a colleague at work. He is caring and appreciative, and I feel emotionally and intellectually close to him. He has expressed attraction and is waiting for my consent for a physical relationship. I don’t want to jeopardize my marriage, but I feel strongly about him. I’m confused about whether to fight this feeling or give in.

Answer:
Thank you for sharing your feelings honestly. It takes courage to acknowledge such temptation and seek guidance. Your awareness and restraint show your commitment to your marriage.

Studies indicate that emotional connection often leads to extramarital affairs. From what you’ve described, your feelings stem from an emotional bond with your colleague. So far, you have maintained boundaries, which is commendable.

It’s important to prioritize your marriage. Consider the consequences of an affair: brief excitement may lead to long-term emotional turmoil, a hurt spouse, and disruptions in family and work life. While distancing yourself from a long-term friend may be challenging, setting boundaries is essential.

Practical Steps:

• Plan your office and home time to reduce opportunities for distraction.

• Avoid relying on this colleague for entertainment or emotional support. Redirect your thoughts to productive activities.

• Examine your marriage for areas needing attention. Strengthen emotional intimacy and connection with your spouse.

• Take intentional breaks from routine to reconnect with your husband.

By training your mind, setting boundaries, and focusing on your marriage, you can navigate attraction without compromising your relationship.