Time – The Great Healer?

To recall and examine my seemingly unfulfilled childhood relationship with my father has been both painful and gratifying. This relationship shaped my own experience as a father, and reflecting on the past has helped me understand my father in ways I had not before.

A Tumultuous Relationship from Early On

From an early age, my relationship with my father was more often tumultuous than smooth sailing. I did my fair share of raising storms as a son who never seemed to measure up to expectations. Yet, I never developed particularly bad habits—I stayed away from smoking, drinking, drugs, and other behaviors commonly associated with poor character. I loved reading, playing, and watching movies. I wasn’t rebellious in school or society and was often labeled a "good boy."

The Struggle for Peer Acceptance and Academic Motivation

However, I was shy and diffident except with a small peer group. I craved their respect and developed a strong code of keeping one’s word to earn my friends’ trust. My parents wished I were more studious and knowledgeable—qualities they valued highly. But much to their disappointment, I struggled academically. I lacked motivation to study as hard as was expected and instead gravitated toward a peer group that was more rebellious and spent time playing and watching movies.

A Pivotal Incident and Its Aftermath

Unsurprisingly, my choice of friends angered my parents, especially my father, who was quick to fly into a rage. Most of the time, I felt outrage at what I considered unjust punishment and fear of further consequences. One incident that stays with me is when a close friend ran away from home. I was home alone while my family was away. My friend, after a severe argument with his father, came to stay with me, knowing I was alone. I agreed, giving him safe harbor, despite knowing his parents were desperately searching for him.

The next day, he moved on to another friend’s home and eventually returned to his own family, who welcomed him with relief. When my parents found out about the situation, my father was furious with me. Although my friend and his father later grew closer, the gulf between my father and me only widened.

Is Time the Best Healer?

Time healed many emotional wounds, as it often does, but I sometimes wonder: Is time truly the best healer?

No doubt, time plays a role. But relying on time alone only causes scabs to form over the wounds—scabs that are never fully hidden from the mind’s eye and can rupture again. All the feelings I recall are one-sided—my perspective alone. When I was just fifteen, my father passed away suddenly from cardiac arrest.

Coming to Terms with Loss and Growing in Faith

None of us anticipated the loss, so I never had the chance to understand my father’s viewpoint. My mother, a loving, forgiving, hardworking, and prayerful woman, had to endure my indifferent behavior for several more years. Over time, and through her prayers, I developed a sense of responsibility and began to rebuild my life.

My faith in God grew during this period and profoundly shaped me. Fast forward a few years, and I am now married to a wonderful woman, blessed with two great children.

Parenting: Learning from the Past

My son, the elder, is quiet and reserved, while my daughter’s vibrant presence fills our home. We parent our children with openness and encourage them to express themselves freely.

This parenting style is partly an unconscious product of our own childhood experiences and partly a deliberate choice based on our evolving understanding of good parenting. We give both children freedom of choice in friends and money but always pray for them to develop responsibility and strength of character.

Building a Strong Relationship with My Children

We stay closely connected with their studies, extracurricular activities, friendships, and even their online presence. My childhood fears about how my relationship with my son would unfold initially made me guarded. But this doesn’t mean we allow absolute freedom without boundaries.

We discipline our children and make them wait for things when the timing isn’t right. After disciplining, we try to explain our reasons clearly. One practice I take particular care with is admitting when I am wrong. I enjoy my relationship with my son immensely. More enduring than the moments of friction are the memories of joy and involvement in his achievements.

Lessons Learned and Hopes for Healing

I must confess, though, that this is my view—I have yet to ask my son how he perceives our relationship. Reflecting on my relationship with my father fills me with sorrow over missed opportunities to build good memories. From the love I feel for my son, I now know that my father loved me deeply and was hurt when I did wrong. It has taken the joy of parenting to reveal this truth.

If God created us in His image, then the love we feel for our children—a love we help create—must, in some measure, resemble the love He has for us. Life is fleeting, and none of us can predict how long we will live. Yet relationships and their fruits live on even after one person is gone.

Time helps heal, but you can and must act intentionally to heal hurt relationships. When forgiveness and open communication can bring closure and complete a relationship’s circle, why wait a generation to experience that happiness?

I still occasionally wonder, “What might have been?” But I am encouraged by the assurance that a loving God desires complete healing and restoration for every relationship.