7 Golden Rules for dealing with your Teen

A new way of communicating is needed, one that respectfully balances freedom and authority.

Teens have never had it tougher than they do today. Social pressures are more pervasive and destructive than ever before. Parents often feel helpless when trying to equip their teens with the tools to navigate, and steer clear of harmful relationships, attitudes, and behaviors. Parenting through the teen years, especially when dealing with rebellion, requires both tenacity and persistence.

Adolescents are beginning to think for themselves, which can sometimes come across as arrogance, especially if they have previously accepted everything their parents said without question. Youth specialist Tim Sanford encourages parents to remember that children always behave for a reason. Often, parents don’t know the real reason behind a teen’s actions. He explains:

“God didn’t make us random beings, so our behavior (even rebellious behavior) stems from a reason. It’s important to get to the ‘itch’ (the core reason) behind the ‘scratch’ (the outward behavior or attitude).”

Whether dealing with basic issues such as respect or more complex concerns like at-risk behavior, parents often struggle to distinguish between healthy teenage autonomy and blatant rebellion. What appears to be rebellion may actually be a teen’s natural “itch” for greater independence.

A child needs space to do things their own way and to express the unique personality that is emerging. Recognizing your teen’s developmental needs is essential. A new style of communication is required, one that respectfully balances freedom and authority.

7 Golden Rules That Work With Teens

1. Communicate with Your Child
   As teens go through a phase of independent thinking, find time to reason with them in a friendly and loving manner. Using authority to force a conversation may make them unwilling to engage. Stay calm during discussions and listen to your child’s point of view with respect. Challenge ideas where needed, but do so gently. Build times of sharing before problems arise, rather than during a crisis. Focus on building trust, because trust cannot grow if parents always need to prove they are right. A parent who wants to win every argument may end up losing the relationship.

2. Be Honest About Your Feelings
   Help your child understand you by clearly expressing how you feel. Share honestly when you are hurt or disappointed and explain why. When teens understand the reason behind your frustration, it becomes easier to reason with them. For example, say, “I feel very disappointed when you don’t listen…”

3. Respect Them, Don’t Put Them Down
   Avoid words that demean or belittle your child. Comparing them to others sends the message that they are not good enough. Be clear about consequences for disobedience, but communicate them respectfully and in advance.

4. Make Rules That Work
   Be careful not to irritate your teen with unreasonable or unnecessary rules. Set a few important rules that are flexible rather than rigid, allowing room for failure. Do not expect perfection. If demands are unreasonable, rebellion is likely. Enforce rules with gentleness and love. Encourage them to keep going, they learn through failure. At the same time, do not hesitate to impose consequences when rules are broken.

5. Understand Them Through Their Peer Group
   Friends play a significant role in a teenager’s life. Get to know the friends who strongly influence your child’s behavior. A peer’s advice often feels more relevant than that of parents who may seem out of touch. Encourage your child to talk about their friends and invite them home. If you sense a negative influence, avoid attacking the friend directly. Instead, have a calm, non-confrontational conversation about how your child may be drifting away from healthy choices.

6. Be Open to Two-Way Learning
   Adolescents are more likely to listen when they feel heard. They shut down when they sense their perspective is dismissed. Though they may act like adults, they are neither fully adults nor children. When treated with maturity and respect, they become more open to sharing. In many areas, children may be more informed than their parents, which can appear as arrogance. Be willing to learn from them, so they can learn from you.

7. Pray for Them
   Above all, seek God’s wisdom in parenting. Every parent should pray daily for wisdom to guide their child and for the child themselves. Prayer can have a profound impact on a teenager’s life.

This approach to communication shows your teen that you genuinely value their point of view and are trying to understand them. Over time, a healthy balance between freedom and authority will develop.

When discipline is necessary, clearly explain why it was given and how the behavior can be avoided in the future. Always focus on correcting or appreciating the behavior, not labeling the child.

Dr. James Dobson encourages parents:

“Don’t panic; stay on your child’s team, even when it appears to be a losing team, and give the whole process time to work itself out.”

Resolve never to give up. Decide now that you will always be there for your teenager. No matter how angry, stressed, frustrated, disappointed, or exhausted you may feel, commit yourself to being the best parent you can be. Whether you are preparing for the teen years or already in the midst of them, make a firm decision, an act of your will.. to never give up on your son or daughter.