A Life in Your Hands

Understanding Children Through a Counsellor’s Lens

What do children really need? What limits should parents set?
A professional counsellor shares simple, practical tips to help parents understand and guide their children more effectively.

Congratulations, Parents!

You are doing an amazing job. No matter the struggles, worries, or heavy responsibilities you carry, you continue to show up... responsible, striving, and hardworking. Parenting is certainly not easy; it is an art learned over time. Unfortunately, some of us master this art only after our children have grown beyond certain phases.

We are not born with parenting skills... it is a continuous learning process. This article aims to help you better understand your children and equip you with simple, practical insights from a child psychology perspective.

“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
... Socrates, 420 BC

If you believe children in earlier generations were easier to manage, think again. Children have always been a handful. So how do we deal with it? Is it okay to be honest with them? Are they manipulating us? What limits should we set? These are questions parents grapple with daily.

Understanding Ourselves First

Before attempting to understand our children, it is essential that we first understand ourselves. We live in a fast-paced world filled with work stress, marital challenges, family pressures, and health concerns. Slowing down and caring for ourselves helps us respond to our children with calmness and clarity.

One of the most disturbing cases I handled involved an eleven-year-old boy who was depressed and acting out at school. After several counselling sessions, it became evident that he was being physically abused at home by his mother. Further inquiry revealed that she was suffering from postpartum stress disorder, anxiety, and had refused medication. As a result, both the boy and his younger brother were subjected to cruelty.

While not all families face such extreme circumstances, stress affects everyone. Managing young children alongside daily responsibilities can take a toll, often spilling over as impatience, irritability, and short temper. This leads children to seek attention by acting out, which results in discipline... and the cycle continues.

The first step to breaking this cycle is gaining control over our own emotions and state of mind.

Practical Ways to Care for Yourself

• Take time for yourself and pursue a hobby

• Reflect on your successes and appreciate yourself

• Spend time with people who affirm and encourage you

• Ask your children periodically for feedback on how you have changed

• Accept your weaknesses and vulnerabilities... authenticity makes children feel safer

• Understand your physical, emotional, and social needs and work on them

• Talk openly with someone of similar age or experience and learn together

• Read parenting books for fresh perspectives

• Explore spirituality for peace and hope

• Exercise regularly to manage stress

• Decide together as parents on parenting styles, discipline, and rewards... consistency prevents confusion and manipulation

What Do Children Need?

“Children want the same things we want: to laugh, to be challenged, to be entertained, and delighted.”
... Dr. Seuss

This quote beautifully captures parenting from a child’s perspective.

As parents, we want our children to succeed, be accepted, and shine. A safe home environment helps children understand who they are, accept themselves unconditionally, and pursue their goals. Make sure your children feel safe to fail... this prepares them for life’s ups and downs.

Spend quality time with them... not as a task on your to-do list, but as meaningful moments where they feel heard, understood, and secure.

Common Parenting Challenges

• Perfectionism
  Children seek approval, especially from their parents. Unrealistic expectations can make them feel like failures. Goals should be age-appropriate and aligned with a child’s abilities and talents. Reinforce that they are loved and valued regardless of success or failure.
• Rigidity
  Adults often assume their way is the best way. While guidance is important, allow room for creativity and exploration. Appreciation builds confidence and motivation.
• Physical and Verbal Abuse
  Abuse... whether physical or verbal... leaves deep scars. Discipline must have clarity of purpose. Children need to understand why they were disciplined and how to avoid repeating the behavior. Verbal abuse, such as name-calling, can be especially damaging and long-lasting.
• Repression
  Encourage open communication and free expression of thoughts and emotions. Criticism and belittling can lead to low self-esteem and withdrawal. Children who stop trying may seek unhealthy alternatives.
• Behaviour Patterns
  Always address the behavior, not the child. Appreciate responsible actions specifically, and correct mistakes without labeling the child negatively. This encourages positive repetition and healthy self-concept.

The Best Counsellor for Your Child – You

Parents can be the most effective counsellors for their children. Before addressing any problem, ensure you understand the full story and clearly communicate that your role is to help... not to judge.

A Practical Example

An eleven-year-old boy has been struggling academically and getting into frequent fights over the past six months.

• Initiating:
  Start the conversation casually with open-ended questions. Focus on feelings rather than facts.

• Perceiving:
  Set aside your worldview and try to understand the situation from the child’s perspective.

• Responding:
  Use attentive body language and facial expressions to show genuine interest.

• Clarifying:
  Ask neutral questions to ensure understanding without intimidation.

• Concretizing the Problem:
  Summarize the issue clearly, reassure your child, and work together on solutions.

These simple steps can help ease parental stress, support children effectively, and strengthen relationships. Conflict is inevitable... but learning to manage it well ensures the healthy well-being of both parents and children.

A Closing Reflection

If a child lives with criticism, they learn to condemn
If a child lives with hostility, they learn to fight
If a child lives with ridicule, they learn to be shy
If a child lives with shame, they learn to feel guilty
If a child lives with tolerance, they learn patience
If a child lives with encouragement, they learn confidence
If a child lives with praise, they learn appreciation
If a child lives with fairness, they learn justice
If a child lives with security, they learn faith
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, they learn to find love in the world

~ Dorothy Law Holte