The Generation Gap

The problem of the “generation gap” repeats itself over and over again. Is there a way to bridge what seems like such a wide rift?

If you are young (or recently were), have you ever felt that your parents don’t understand you, that they don’t respect you as an individual? Parents—aliens from another planet altogether, right? If you are the parent of a teenager, have you ever felt like your sweet little angel suddenly transformed into a stranger overnight? The truth is, the problem of the generation gap repeats itself every generation. And no, it doesn’t seem like we’ve figured it out yet; the challenges just keep getting bigger and harder to deal with.

The term generation gap refers to the differences between generations—milder than the extreme definition that calls it a “clash” between the opinions, attitudes, and behaviors of younger and older people. This gap can show up anywhere: in workplaces, schools, and most obviously, in homes.

The Normal Struggles

Conflict between parents and teenagers is normal! One morning your cheerful 13-year-old may wake up with an attitude. She may suddenly argue with everything you say, disappear into her room for days, or question every rule. You may wonder, “What has gone wrong?” The answer is—nothing.

Believe it or not, this is normal teenage behavior. Having once been a teenager myself, and now interacting with parents of teens at work, I can say the struggles haven’t changed much. As an introverted and compliant child, I gave my parents no trouble before the age of 12. But suddenly, my mother was faced with a challenge every time she set a boundary or offered advice that differed from mine (which was almost always!). “Why can’t I wear this?” “Why shouldn’t I go out with my friends?” “Why do I have to come back so early?” “Why shouldn’t I talk to boys?” Almost everything became a point of conflict.

What Helps Bridge the Gap

So, is there a way of bridging this rift? I remember praying sincerely, “God, change my mother; why can’t she be more understanding?” I’m sure she was praying the same about me. Looking back now, I realize parents have a huge role in how smoothly their children transition through adolescence. Parents do know better about potential problems and the hurts that could come their child’s way—at least more than a 13-year-old does. What helps is for parents to recall what life was like when they were teens, and then compare it with what their children are experiencing today.

In many ways, the issues are the same. Talking with parents of other teenagers or older children can give you insights into what goes on in your child’s mind and how best to respond. What doesn’t help is holding the same expectations your parents had of you. While it’s true that your child is still a child, it’s also true that he or she is growing up and learning to think independently. Recognizing this helps parents decide when to grant freedom and when to hold back.

Parents need to be calm, patient, and strategic: What message should I use here? What approach should I try there? Being open and honest with your teen about your concerns helps them see your perspective. Over time—not overnight—they begin to accept the boundaries and restrictions. You don’t have to let go of the reins too quickly, but you do need to know when it’s time to grant more autonomy.

Understanding and Respect

Often, when your teen disagrees with you, it’s not about the actual issue—it’s about being different from you. As a child, your teen may have believed you knew the answer to everything. Now they’re old enough to come up with their own answers—sometimes even the wrong ones. No matter what you disagree about, your teen still needs to know they are loved. Unfortunately, that love is often not communicated when emotions run high.

If love and respect have been taught and demonstrated in the family from early on, teenagers eventually learn to respect their parents’ wisdom, even if they don’t agree in the moment. Personally, I know that the more I prayed for my parents to change, the more I saw changes in myself first. Ten years later, my mother and I enjoy a relationship that many people say they envy.

Humility—on both sides—goes a long way in helping us love and respect each other. I know this because the people my parents and I are today are very different from who we once were. That change came because we sought each other’s best out of love and care. We agreed on that—even when we disagreed strongly about something else.

As the saying goes (though some may be skeptical): “There is nothing wrong with today’s teenager that twenty years won’t cure.” Remember, you and your teen are on the same team!

_{All images used are for illustrative purposes only and have been sourced from Pexels.}