Miss Them & Mess Them!

I’m a very busy working husband and father. My work often takes me away from home and out of station at least twice a week. My wife is right in saying that I need to spend more time with my teenage children. I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my daughter and son. What can I do to balance work and home and make quality time for my teenagers?

The positive here is that you already recognize the need to spend more time with your children and are not in denial about it. Many fathers believe they are doing “all that they can and more” and pass off their lack of intimacy with their children as inevitable collateral damage in fulfilling their duty to provide.

You need to decide how much you really need to provide for your family, and at what cost. Paying for expensive hobbies and luxuries requires bringing in more money, which often means more time climbing the ladder at work and possibly greater distance from your family. Assess what is truly needed and what you ultimately gain.

This does not mean you must quit a job that requires travel or settle for a lukewarm relationship with your children. There are small but effective things you can do to create balance.

Practical Tips

1. Stay Connected Digitally
   Email, text, chat, Skype... use all available platforms to stay connected while on the go. You don’t need to “stalk” them, which could push them away. Just pop in occasionally and ask about their day. Your efforts will be noticed.

2. Schedule Quantity for Quality Time
   Those sweet, light father-child moments come only after spending significant time together. Set aside specific time each week to spend individually with each child. Family outings are valuable, but they don’t replace one-on-one time.

3. Quick Conversations Matter
   Don’t shy away from short conversations. Talk while shaving, packing, or working. Allow them into your workspace. These moments communicate that they are still on your mind and a priority.

4. Take Your Vacations
   Use all your allotted leave to spend time with your family.

5. Be Real
   Share your feelings about your day, your work, and life in general.

6. Be Funny
   Kids expect playfulness from dads. Be spontaneous, goofy, and teasing.

7. Do Chores Together
   Wash dishes or clean the house as a family. Turn routine chores into bonding time, splash some water and have fun!

8. Plan Ahead
   Sync your calendar with your children’s school schedules. Plan long weekends. Keep promises, attend competitions, shows, and events. Learn to say “no” at work when needed.

9. Pray With and For Them
   Lead family prayer. Also pray individually with each child, before bed, during walks, or before school. Let them pray for you too. Never underestimate the power of prayer.

These tips are not exhaustive but offer simple, creative ways to balance work and family life. Don’t miss these crucial teenage years before they fly the nest.

Wishing you a blessed and fulfilling time with your children.

Q2.

I’m a mother of three children, and I’m writing completely frustrated at the lack of time my kids and I get with their father. I’m doing my best to hold the fort at home, but at times I feel I’m losing it. My kids are frustrated too. Is there a way out?

Let’s look for a way in instead.

You seem stretched in every direction, trying to fill the gap created by your husband’s absence. You used the word “frustrated”... and rightly so.

Here’s a truth that may bring mixed feelings: you cannot fully step into a father’s role. Our foot size does not change based on the shoe we try to fit into. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to be the best mother you can be, that is within your control.

There are numerous creative ways to bond with your children. Focus on fulfilling your role well rather than trying to fill both roles.

You may already have spoken to your husband, but have you communicated in a way that helps him receive what you’re saying? It takes wisdom to express complaints positively, respectfully, and lovingly.

Practical Guidance

• Don’t shut down communication with him, it can increase distance.

• Let him know you understand his pressures.

• Help him see what his absence is doing to you and the children.

• Emphasize that his presence is more precious than provision, moments matter more than money.

• Identify obstacles together without assuming the worst.

• Appreciate him genuinely in front of the children.

Understand your children without becoming overbearing. Remember, your goal is to be a better mother, not both parents.

Talk openly with them about their feelings and how they can make the most of the time they do get with their father.

Care for Yourself

Most importantly... relax.

• Take kids-free time.

• See a counselor if needed.

• Spend time in prayer.

• Cultivate a hobby.

• Practice self-care.

These are not selfish acts, they are necessary. Neglecting self-care leads to burnout, which ultimately affects the whole family.

I strongly urge you to seek family counseling with your husband to strengthen your marital bond. Focusing on what is within your control will reduce frustration and bring greater emotional freedom.

Q3.

My dad is always at work, and my mom is always interfering in everything I do. My friends say I’m angry most of the time, and a counselor once said it could be because of my lack of father-son bonding. I’ve tried to connect with my dad, but it feels too awkward. Is it too late, after a decade of silence... to build a bond?

Your counselor may be right if there has indeed been a decade of silence. There seems to be an inner struggle, wanting connection but feeling uncomfortable initiating it.

Ask yourself:
Are you angry with your father?
Or do you blame yourself for the lack of a close relationship?

Speaking to a counselor can help you understand your feelings better. Once you gain clarity, share your thoughts with your father respectfully and lovingly.

Steps You Can Take

• Be the initiator... even if it feels awkward.

• Ask about his work, interests, and feelings.

• Show curiosity about his life.

• Help him with his work when possible.

• Appreciate what he has done for you.

• Tell him he matters.

Even if it feels cheesy... leave him a note, text him, or simply say “I love you.” A father’s heart often melts at such gestures.

Turn off the car radio and talk. Ask about his relationship with his own father and listen carefully... not just to his words but to the emotions behind them.

The goal is not to build walls but to break them... his or yours.

Give him the benefit of the doubt. Don’t give up pursuing the relationship you desire. There is always hope as long as your father is still around.

It is a good sign that you were mature enough to seek counseling and attempt connection. Now the key is to keep trying, no matter how new or uncomfortable it feels.

As your father becomes more involved, your mother... who may be compensating for his absence... will likely step back, leading to a more balanced relationship with both parents.