Marriage Masala: Boundaries

When we talk about boundaries in marriage, we are not referring to rules and regulations. Instead, we are speaking about mutually agreed limits—lines that both partners agree not to cross—for the health and protection of their marriage.

Boundaries are best set when both partners are emotionally calm and stable—when you feel good about each other and your relationship. These boundaries then act as safeguards, gently checking your behaviour when emotions and feelings run high.

Keeping Words “Safe”

Early in our marriage, Ruthie and I decided that we would never use the word “divorce” during any confrontation. This became a boundary for us. It means that neither of us can threaten or shout “divorce” in the heat of anger. We are quietly held in check by a boundary we set when we were calm and clear-headed.

Keeping Actions “Safe”

Boundaries are also needed around our actions. For example, one boundary we set was that neither of us would walk away in the middle of a disagreement, leaving the issue unresolved. We added this boundary after realising how emotionally damaging it was when one spouse repeatedly walked away without addressing the problem.

Creating a “Safe Place”

Boundaries can help keep us emotionally healthy. If you have a constant flow of people visiting, staying, or working in your home—as we do—you may find that there is little time left for each other.

We therefore made the bedroom a place of privacy. Our bedroom is only for the Gilberts. It is a space we can retreat to when we need time to talk something through or simply be together. A closed door, a curtain, or even a couple of cane chairs on the terrace can become a “safe space” for a family. Boundaries help us stay connected to one another.

Spice It Up

Draw a large square or hexagon on a sheet of paper and imagine your marriage as the space within those lines. Together, write down four to six boundaries that you both agree on. Remember, each boundary must be mutually agreed upon.

Take your time—this process may not be easy. A boundary can involve words, phrases, actions, or even physical arrangements that help build and nurture your relationship. If your children are old enough, you may also choose to involve them in creating boundaries for your family as a whole.

Adapted from Rod and Ruthie Gilbert’s book Marriage Masala