The Effects of Pornography in My Life

Pornography changed the way I thought, felt, acted, and spoke. It made me a different—and deeply unpleasant—person.

Initiated Young

I was introduced to pornography when I was five years old, in my neighbour’s home, where blue films were frequently watched. At the time, it didn’t mean much to me, but it was like a seed being sown. That seed began to grow when I was offered a copy of Playboy magazine in the seventh grade.

It Controlled My Entire Life

From there, there was no turning back. My grades dropped drastically. Late nights became a habit. I began bunking school just to be alone at home to watch blue films and masturbate. Eventually, I failed the seventh grade.

I later got into a relationship with a young girl, and we began to get physical. However, for some reason, I could never go the whole way—intercourse. By this time, pornography had taken a back seat because I now had “the real thing” with a girl. Our relationship lasted six years, until she moved to another country.

After she left, I was alone again. The evenings I once spent with her became lonely. I still remember how a romantic yet sexually charged song from a Tamil movie triggered my return to masturbation—and soon after, back to pornography.

Access to pornography was easy even then. All I needed to do was visit an internet café, where I could watch countless pornographic movies. I wasted large amounts of money—money I didn’t really have. Funds meant for school and tuition fees were instead used to satisfy my sexual cravings.

I completed high school and was ready to move on to college. Since my parents couldn’t afford it, I chose distance education. This gave me even more unstructured time—to hang out with friends, watch television, stay up late, and watch blue films aired by local cable TV operators.

Fighting a Losing Battle

After finishing college, I moved out of the country. To my shock, pornography was rampant and easily available as a regular TV channel. I did my best to fight this addiction, but every attempt failed and only pulled me deeper into it. The media offered no help, and neither did my circle of friends.

I did not drink. I did not smoke. My addiction was pornography.

It stared me in the face. As much as I hated it, I wanted it. There were times I would sit for hours in front of the television, desperately searching for a particular sexual scene that would arouse me enough to masturbate. By then, I had had enough—but never enough. I was sick of it, yet constantly craving more.

Many nights were spent awake, and I would sleep through entire days. I missed work, argued with my parents and colleagues, and felt completely drained. Pornography literally sucked the life out of me.

I tried every possible way to escape this mess, but I failed every single time.

A couple of years later, I got married and started a family. Once again, pornography took a back seat—for a while. But when my wife became pregnant, I returned to pornography to satisfy myself. This continued until I reached a breaking point.

After nearly 20 long years of battling this sickness, I realised the only way out was to share my struggle with someone who would understand and walk with me through it. By then, I was a father, and I knew I had to make a responsible decision.

Breaking Free

To break the stronghold of addiction through transparency and accountability, I decided to share everything with my wife and ask her to walk alongside me. She responded with love, chose to journey with me, and gently kept me in check whenever she sensed I was slipping.

There were times when I did slip. But by constantly talking openly about my weakness with my wife, I began to experience real freedom—slowly, but completely.

Pornography changed the way I thought, felt, acted, and spoke. It made me a different and unpleasant person. I lost friends, strained family relationships, and wasted hours, days, months, and years of my life to this addiction.

Pornography is a serious sickness that must be addressed before it is too late. Like any addiction, withdrawal comes with symptoms—bouts of anger, headaches, depression, and an intense craving to be alone.

But pornography does not have to remain an undefeated enemy ruling and enslaving your life. With a willingness to be transparent and accountable, along with professional and spiritual support, this dragon can be slain, and your life can be redeemed.

Do not lose hope. Seek help. Freedom is possible.

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