Letting Go of the Reigns – The Teen Years

The transition from being protective parents to learning to let go of the reins has been—and continues to be—difficult. Our teens, like most teens, kept pulling against those reins. Through this process, we learned several important parenting lessons.

Involving Our Teens in the Conversation

Annie and I are parents of two children: our son Ashwin, who has just stepped out of his teens, and our daughter Nithya, who is still in hers. Writing about parenting teens wasn’t easy until we stumbled upon the idea of involving our children—asking them to reflect on what we did well and what we could have done better. This helped reduce the bias that comes from writing solely from a parent’s perspective.

The Academic Pressure Years

Much of our anxiety as parents revolved around the board exams in high school and pre-university—exams that significantly impact professional college choices. Aware of the intense competition for admissions, many of their peers chose special coaching or private tuitions. We felt the pressure to consider the same.

Ashwin chose self-study with additional reference materials, using his extra time for basketball practice. Nithya chose special coaching in just one subject. As a backup, we made ourselves available to help with the other subjects whenever needed. Our educational background and flexible work schedules made this possible.

This approach gave us first-hand knowledge of their academic progress. But it also created conflict, as our concern for their weaknesses sometimes led us to push too hard. Constantly pointing out their weak spots did little to build their confidence. We slowly learned to step back and give them more space.

Supporting Their Aspirations—Not Imposing Ours

Like most teens, both Ashwin and Nithya wanted to do well. All we needed to do was support their aspirations. Parental ambitions, when not matched by inner motivation in the child, can become an unbearable burden.

By the end of high school, both children had clarity about their future paths—Ashwin toward architecture and Nithya toward pure sciences and later counseling. Coming from software development backgrounds, we were uncertain about the career prospects in these fields. To help them validate their choices, we encouraged them to meet professionals in those areas. We also took Nithya to a career counselor.

In both cases, it became clear that their personalities and latent abilities aligned beautifully with their choices. With our doubts resolved, we encouraged them wholeheartedly. Our support has motivated them to work hard and given them the freedom to be themselves. Ashwin’s early clarity helped him focus, earning him admission offers from top architecture schools. Nithya has two more years before completing high school.

Learning Life-Skills and Managing Anxiety

I learned an important lesson about life-skills and anxiety when Ashwin began driving. Though he learned the basics at a driving school, deciding when he was ready to drive alone to college was difficult. The long commute through Bangalore’s peak-hour traffic worried me.

So I took him through additional real-life driving practice. However, it soon became clear that dealing simultaneously with chaotic roads and his father’s anxiety was counterproductive. Driving requires the use of one’s own judgment and skill. Eventually, I had to let him go on his own. His confidence and skill grew quickly—far faster than I could have taught him. Life-skills cannot be mastered by instruction alone; real learning happens through real experience.

Letting Go: The Most Difficult Part

Letting go of the reins has always been hard. Whether it was allowing them to go out with friends, to the movies, or to events, we had to learn to manage our anxieties privately. When the only thing accompanying your children is your prayer, what do you lean on?

We leaned on our knowledge of their character and values—built over many years through intentional teaching, involvement, and example. Our children saw our lives as much as they heard our words. Both have told us that they appreciated the level of involvement we had in their studies and activities.

This involvement gave us a deep understanding of their strengths and weaknesses. So when it was time to give them freedom, we did so confidently, believing they would try to make the right choices. We also trusted that they would be honest with us—even when honesty was painful.

During our introspection for this article, we asked them about this. They shared that when they made mistakes, they felt shame, sadness, or disappointment—but never fear about telling us the truth.

The Value of Individual Communication

We have found it essential to spend one-on-one time with each child. Our most meaningful conversations often happen during ordinary routines—driving them to school or events. We’ve discussed previous conflicts, explained our decisions, explored their aspirations, addressed unhealthy behaviour, and shared lessons from our own successes and failures.

These conversations were usually tied to something happening in their lives, making the discussion relevant. We learned to “talk with” and not “talk to” our teens. They enforced this boundary firmly—sometimes by tuning out, sometimes by directly telling us not to preach.

In Conclusion: What Matters Most

Summarizing the experience of parenting teens is nearly impossible. But for us, some key ingredients stand out:

Faith. Communication. Openness. Adaptability. Involvement. Trust. And the willingness to let go.

And above all, enjoy the years while they last.