The State of ‘Affairs’ in India

Is marriage as an exclusive relationship becoming a myth, as spouses increasingly seek excitement, attraction, emotional bonding, and sexual fulfillment outside of it? Are we suffering from an age of “infidelity overload”?

A Personal Story

After twelve years of a not-so-bad marriage, we had slowly grown apart—disinterested and irritated with each other. Then he entered my life: a new colleague, a few years younger, reporting to me. Our first work trip threw us together. We spent long hours not just at work, but also exploring the city—dining, dancing, and drinking.

We exchanged life stories—childhood, marriage, family. After a long time, I felt I had found a good friend: someone who understood me and was fun to be with. It was the best time I had experienced in years. We were both married and settled—so what was the harm? We had no intention whatsoever of getting entangled emotionally.

Over the months, however, the friendship grew into something far more important than I had anticipated.

Then it dawned on me—he had become much more than a friend. I felt as though I could not live without him. Did I really want that? Confused and unsettled, I sought help from a counselor friend. Letting go was hard—almost impossible at first. But when I reflected on what I truly wanted for myself, I knew this emotional entanglement was not part of that vision.

I realized that what I was truly seeking was not another relationship, but to feel good about myself—to feel wanted, appreciated, and alive. I began intentionally building that into my life: going on hikes, making time for books and music, reconnecting with old friends. Gradually, I felt happier and more energized. I also spoke with my husband about what we both wanted from our marriage and how we could work toward it.

That journey is still a work in progress. I have not sorted everything out, but I have begun listening to my own needs and feelings—and meeting them responsibly. I also drew boundaries around who was allowed into my inner circle.

Most of our interaction had been limited to work—calls, messages, and office conversations. Everything seemed manageable.

Then one Saturday morning, everything changed.

As usual, I sent WhatsApp messages—no response. I tried calling, but his phone was unreachable. By noon, I was panicking. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I told myself I had no reason to feel so desperate, but logic did not help. By evening, in a moment of utter desperation, I went to his apartment. It was locked.

For a week, I could not contact him, and it drove me to the brink. Later, someone informed the office that his father had suffered a heart attack and that he had rushed to his village. I tried convincing myself that he was just a colleague and friend dealing with a family emergency—but my emotional turmoil told a different story.

The Bigger Question

Marriage as an exclusive relationship—“till death do us part”—is increasingly elusive. While marriage remains a sought-after milestone for most Indians, exclusivity within marriage is no longer the norm for many urban couples.

Common justifications include:

• “What’s wrong if I have a little fun outside marriage? It’s not harming anyone.”

• “I provide for my family and care for them. If I find excitement elsewhere, what they don’t know won’t hurt them.”

   

In a world where right and wrong blur into fifty shades of grey, infidelity often appears to be a tempting escape—a break from the monotony of a predictable marriage or the stress of a troubled one. It promises excitement, romance, and a renewed sense of youthfulness. But does the reality match the promise?

The YOLO Effect

India has traditionally viewed marriage as sacred. However, growing tolerance toward extra-marital affairs may be influenced by the YOLO mindset—“You Only Live Once.” Mumbai-based clinical psychologist and counselor Varkha Chulani explains that many people now believe they must extract maximum pleasure from life because it is short.

This mindset was boldly echoed by Ashley Madison, a website catering to married individuals seeking affairs, with its infamous slogan: “Life is short. Have an affair.” Shortly after its launch in India, the platform claimed nearly 2.75 lakh Indian users without any marketing.

A survey conducted by Ashley Madison in India revealed that 76% of women and 61% of men did not consider infidelity immoral. Responses were collected from over 75,000 respondents across ten cities, most of whom were married. Even after a massive data breach exposed names and personal details—shattering families and reputations—the platform claimed that 6.5 million new users had signed up globally.

Cybercrime journalist Brian Krebs, who investigated the breach, described it as the “worst nightmare” for many users. Some desperately tried to salvage their marriages, careers, social standing, and mental health. For others, the consequences were divorce, shame, guilt, resignation—and even suicide.

Do we really need disasters like these to wake us up to the devastating cost of infidelity?

Chatting or Cheating?

Technology-driven affairs and virtual intimacy have become major triggers for modern divorces. Couples today are increasingly impatient, often choosing separation as a first resort rather than a last.

Poonam Bamba, Principal Judge of the Family Court in Saket, observes that technology has made infidelity easier and guilt less palpable. Social media offers anonymity, and virtual interactions often feel disconnected from real-world consequences.

Consider the case of Z, a mother of two, who discovered her husband had been chatting with another woman online for eight months. Though he insisted it was “just for fun” and involved only exchanging explicit images—with no physical relationship—Z experienced deep betrayal.

Infidelity takes many forms, and it is not always sexual. Emotional affairs—often dismissed or minimized—can be just as damaging. These may involve online flirting, constant messaging, work relationships, or long-distance emotional intimacy. While those involved may not label it as disloyalty, the betrayed spouse often experiences profound pain.

Any breach of exclusivity can leave deep emotional scars within a marriage.

Why People Look Beyond Marriage

Infidelity is often seen as something that happens in other homes, not one’s own. That belief is a myth. While this does not mean living in suspicion, it does call for intentional efforts to protect a marriage.

Affairs do not arise only in unhappy marriages. They may stem from boredom, lack of emotional or intellectual connection, routine, conflict, mid-life crises, substance abuse, or even life transitions such as children leaving home.

Building Boundaries to Protect Your Marriage

Flirting is often defined as behavior that signals sexual interest without serious intent. Yet when flirting occurs outside marriage, it can cross into infidelity—especially when emotional intimacy develops.

What begins as a harmless friendship can gradually evolve into an emotionally dependent relationship. If you find yourself sharing thoughts and feelings with someone else that you no longer share with your spouse, you may already be in dangerous territory.

Here are some practical steps to safeguard your marriage:

1. Examine Your Thought Life

Be attentive to your emotions and motivations. Ask yourself:

• Would I be comfortable having this conversation in front of my spouse?

• Do I feel the need to hide this relationship?

• Is there a sense of guilt?

Obsessive thoughts, anticipation, or fantasies about closeness are warning signs.

2. Stop Looking for Reasons to Cheat

Attraction to another person does not always reflect the quality of your marriage—it may reveal unmet personal needs, low self-esteem, or emotional emptiness. Unhealthy circumstances cannot be healed by unhealthy choices.

3. Invest in Your Marriage

Rekindle connection through intentional effort. Offer daily affirmations and sincere compliments. Practice empathy. As you become more sensitive to your partner’s needs, you may also grow in self-awareness and self-respect.

4. Act Early and Refocus

Breaking unhealthy patterns is difficult, but not impossible. The mind is powerful and responds to decisive action. While life has no delete button, phones do. Remove contacts, cut off communication, and remind yourself why emotional entanglements outside marriage ultimately disappoint.

Though childhood experiences may shape us, they do not define our destiny. Patterns can be unlearned, thoughts can be rewired, and healthy habits can be cultivated.

5. Seek Help

You do not have to struggle alone. If warning signs persist or infidelity has already entered the marriage, professional help is crucial. Marriage counselors can help couples heal and rebuild trust. Those affected by emotional or sexual infidelity should also seek counseling to process pain, regain clarity, and move forward.

About the Authors

Riya Jacob Daniel is a psychological counselor and marriage therapist with extensive experience in family and marriage counseling, individual therapy, and supporting survivors of sexual abuse.

Chitra Ramaswamy Jayakaran is a professional social worker with experience in counseling and working on issues of justice, peace, and sustainable living.