"What is wrong with me?"..... Confessions of a stressed-out mom

I can’t move. I can’t breathe. I feel nauseous. I can’t get enough air. What is wrong with me? There is so much that needs to be accomplished today. I need to snap out of it and get on with all I have to do.

The ‘To-Do’ List

I have to send lunch for the kids, prepare a snack, and cook dinner. I need to meet a work deadline. I need to organize a playdate, plan their study time, and make a special dinner for my husband when he returns from a week-long work trip. I should remember to call my mother and check if she’s okay.

I have to exercise at some point and prepare diet-friendly food for myself—I really need to lose weight. I should call my friend who is going through a tough time. I want to read that parenting book on discipline. So many things to do… and yet I just sit here, unable to move, breathing heavily, feeling nauseous, like I can’t get enough air. What is wrong with me?

The Weight of Guilt

I feel guilty that I couldn’t get half the things done yesterday. What is wrong with me? Every other woman seems to manage everything just fine. I even have a maid—and I still can’t get everything done. Yesterday, I yelled at my kids so much because they didn’t listen… I can’t even remember what it was about.

I yelled, spanked, and took away their favorite toy. I want to teach them discipline and respect! But why do I feel so guilty afterward? Did I scar them? Will they be traumatized? I must make it up to them—maybe take them somewhere special. But I have so much work… I’ll try to squeeze it in.

Must, Should, Have To

Must, should, have to, need to… these words plague my life, creating self-inflicted stress. Stress from my desire to be the perfect mom, wife, daughter, and friend. But at what cost?

At the end of the day, after striving to achieve everything or feeling guilty about what I didn’t, all that remains is a tired, frustrated, over-emotional woman who wants nothing more than to be left alone with a bar of dark chocolate—and cry. Then the cycle starts all over again.

Recognizing the Problem

I know what’s wrong with me: I feel stressed, guilty, inadequate, overwhelmed. My children faced a different mother every day, depending on my stress levels.

“How a mother manages stress is often a model for the rest of the family,” says APA psychologist Lynn Bufka, PhD.
“Running yourself ragged can trigger headaches, insomnia, mood swings, and more serious problems like high blood pressure, diabetes, depression, obesity, and heart disease,” says Alice Domar, Ph.D., co-author of Self-Nurture: Learning to Care for Yourself as Effectively as You Care for Everyone Else.
“When we’re stressed, we get irritable and insensitive; we tend to snap at our kids and families; and if you’re worn out, you’re more susceptible to illness.”

I had to get help. As a Christian, my belief in God helped me through. God’s Word gave me perspective, and His presence brought the peace I desperately needed. I also started seeing a counselor—someone I could speak to without pretending to be in control.

Learning Self-Compassion

I had to accept that I couldn’t do it all. That I might never achieve everything—and that doesn’t make me a failure. I learned to celebrate what I accomplished rather than focus only on what was undone. I began to see the pressure I put on myself: a clean home, happy husband, intelligent, kind, stable, polite, creative children. The expectation was overwhelming.

Self-compassion was a concept I needed to learn. Treating myself with the same kindness and care I offer to loved ones made a difference. Boosting my ego didn’t help. Instead, I started talking to myself like I would to a best friend. If my friend forgot something, would I call her a terrible failure? Of course not.

Kristin Neff, a psychology professor at the University of Texas, explains:

“Self-compassion entails mindfulness. We must acknowledge our suffering rather than avoid it. Self-compassion provides a sense of self-worth that isn’t linked to social comparison. Women tend to be less self-compassionate because society teaches them to always be outwardly focused.”

Finding Clarity

I tried to be self-compassionate. It was hard—my mind was so used to self-criticism—but I learned to see situations as they were. If I couldn’t complete a task, I moved on to what I could do. Some days, I couldn’t be the perfect mom—but I didn’t yell or dwell on my shortcomings. And when I did lose patience, I apologized to my kids, hugged them, and promised myself to do better tomorrow.

I began asking for help and sharing my feelings with my husband. He supported me more with the kids, and occasionally, I treated myself to a café visit, a book, or the parlor.

Blessed and Stressed

I am not yet at a place where I never feel, “What’s wrong with me?” But now, my good days outweigh the bad. I am blessed beyond measure, and my children and husband are my world. Even in stress, I prioritize self-care to be a better mother and wife.

The Bible reminds me:

“Be still, and know that I am God.”

I strive every day to be mindful, live in the present, and trust God—taking life one day at a time.