Parenting, with Pauses

Amal has difficulties in communication. He does not have language in the conventional sense and is unable to express his emotions in ways we might expect. Bonding with him requires understanding his unique ways of connecting—a journey that has been long and meaningful for his parents.

The Playgroup Ritual

I look forward to my weekly visits to the playgroup I am associated with. As soon as I enter the premises, time seems to slow down. I have a ritual of sitting on the steps facing the sandpit—the real center of the school. As the children trickle in, they play there until their entire class arrives.

This is the most essential part of the day, where important information is shared, respectful silences are observed, warm reunions happen, and discoveries unfold. Adults and children alike engage in the business of wonder and curiosity. Each child is given attention before entering the classroom, ensuring a strong connection for the day ahead.

From these steps, I notice Amal. His teacher is aware that he has arrived and sits nearby. Another child arranges pebbles on the parapet, but the teacher does not immediately reach out to Amal. He stands there, observing, not making eye contact. She hums a tune. Slowly, he sits next to her, picks up the pebbles, rolls them in his hands, and stays close as she continues singing. She places her hand on his, and he allows it to remain there.

When the song ends, he picks up his bag, continues holding the pebbles, and the teacher helps him remove his shoes. They notice a puddle and dip their fingers into it, feeling the water. He squeals in delight. By this time, the other children have gone into class. It is just the two of them, and she does not rush him. She understands that this time together is crucial for Amal to trust her and engage with the day ahead.

Connecting with Your Child

Amal’s difficulties in communication mean that bonding requires understanding his ways of relating. In therapy, we explored his parents’ own childhoods, their identities, and how they see themselves as Amal’s caregivers.

Next, we analyzed Amal’s childhood—his personality, temperament, age, and stage of development—alongside the spectrum of his diagnosis. Gradually, the challenges seemed less overwhelming, and the “Amalness” of Amal became visible. With this understanding, his parents introduced him to his teacher.

This connection is vital—not only for Amal’s compliance and learning, but also for developing relationships and helping parents and other adults feel involved in his growth.

Acknowledging Realities

Studies show that children with disabilities may display atypical attachment patterns. Caring for a child with communication or developmental difficulties can be exhausting. The practicalities of daily care often take precedence, and the child’s limited responses can make connection stressful. This may affect parent-child attachment, though it is not true for every child with special needs.

Slow Down

Remember: this is your child, and the disability is just one aspect. Special needs should not take over your relationship.

It is essential to create space, prioritize time together, and establish small rituals that foster connection. Find time for fun, for shared activities, and for co-created moments. Let the child participate in chores—not for skill-building alone, but for conversation and shared experience.

Imagine if Amal’s teacher had not paused that morning. Amal might have gone unnoticed, spent the day protesting, and returned home with everyone exhausted. By slowing down, moments of connection and joy are created instead of managing a list of tasks.

Moments Matter

At the end of each school day, Amal’s teacher lingers with his mother, sharing the day’s discoveries. Amal cannot verbalize them, yet he sits quietly on his mother’s lap, engaging through his gaze. This connection ripples out—from child to teacher, from teacher to parent.

They discuss what he enjoys, what fascinates him, and what he avoids. His challenges are just one part of him, not the entirety. These moments enrich both Amal and his mother, reinforcing bonds and understanding.

Catch Your Breath

Bonding with a child is a process. Nurture the relationship consciously. Work with professionals to understand the diagnosis, the reasons behind delays and behaviors, and strive to find your shared rhythm.

Reach out to your support system—a network that can share responsibilities and provide guidance. When life feels overwhelming, pause, acknowledge your feelings, and do something that helps you reset.

Observe those connecting intuitively with your child. Pause, breathe, and reconnect with yourself. As Antoine de Saint-Exupéry wrote in The Little Prince:

“And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”