Marriage Masala: Get Glued – Leaving and Cleaving

Many marriages end in the courtroom... or never experience true intimacy and oneness... because of unresolved issues surrounding leaving and cleaving.

Marriage is the coming together of two people. But for those two individuals to truly unite, they must first “leave” the families they come from.

What Does “Leaving” Really Mean?

Leaving does not mean abandoning or dishonouring one’s parents. It means separating in a healthy way so that you can unite with your spouse and establish a new family unit.

Leaving is not merely geographical. It is psychological and emotional... often described as “cutting the umbilical cord.”

When a child is born, the umbilical cord must be cut for both mother and child to survive and grow. In the same way, emotional separation from parents is essential for the survival and growth of a marriage.

Even when couples live separately from their parents, the emotional cord may still remain uncut. At times, couples may have valid reasons to live in the same household as parents. However, even in such situations, clear psychological and emotional independence must be established.

When the Cord Is Not Cut

Sometimes a husband remains emotionally dependent on his mother and may be influenced by subtle manipulation... even if it comes with good intentions. This prevents true oneness in marriage.

Similarly, if a wife continues to depend heavily on her parents or siblings for decision-making, rather than building unity with her husband, it can create conflict.

Both husband and wife must consciously “leave” parental control and emotional dependency.

Healthy Leaving Leads to Cleaving

Joel and Carolyn, a couple working intentionally on this principle, share several steps they have taken while living in an extended family setting:

Practical Steps Toward Healthy Leaving

• Listen respectfully to parental advice, but make final decisions together as a couple.

• Never criticise each other to parents on either side.

• Give clear signals of unity by creating your own family traditions and routines.

• Support one another in interactions with parents.

• Express love and care for your parents in words and actions. Stay connected, especially if living apart.

• Do not expect ongoing financial support from parents. If gifts are given, receive them as blessings... not entitlements.

Get Glued: The Meaning of Cleaving

If healthy “leaving” takes place, “cleaving” should follow naturally.

To cleave literally means to be glued or united... committed to one another above all others.

Your spouse may feel hurt or secondary if your parents seem more important than him or her. Your primary relationship and commitment must be to your spouse. All other relationships are secondary.

It is no longer “your family” and “my family.”
You are one family... and together you care for your extended families.

A Conscious Commitment

Cleaving requires intentional effort.

• Choose not to run home to your parents during conflict.

• Communicate openly with your spouse.

• Share your innermost thoughts and needs.

• Allow your spouse into your vulnerable spaces.

• Stay united in good times and in difficult seasons.

Even children must not come between husband and wife. They come next in priority after your spouse. Children thrive when they see their parents united.

Never allow children to manipulate one parent against the other.

The greatest gift you can give your child is a secure home where husband and wife love one another and stand together in unity. Such a home becomes a safe haven... not only for your children, but also for extended family.

Spice Up Your Marriage

Are you truly “glued” together?

Take time to reflect honestly. Is healthy leaving taking place in your marriage... with honour and respect?

If needed, seek guidance and support. Discuss creative ways to carve out time for each other, especially amidst busy schedules and extended family responsibilities.

Healthy marriages don’t happen accidentally... they are built intentionally.