Harmony

Over the last 32 years, I have realised that marriage is truly what you make of it. Like any relationship, it requires nurturing, growth, and intentional investment. What you sow into your marriage is what you reap from it.

I met Raj when I was 16 years old. Yes, I was in love with him, but during our courting years I realised that we had very little in common. As the saying goes, “unlike poles attract,” and I believe that is exactly what happened with us. The one significant thing we shared was mutual love and respect for each other—and a deep love for God.

“Marriage is truly what you make of it. What you sow into your marriage is what you reap from it.”

Much of what I learned about marriage came from watching my parents and from the guiding principles I absorbed through church teachings. Of course, there were other examples too—strong marriages, failed marriages, broken marriages, and marriages where husbands and wives lived under the same roof with minimal interaction and no love or respect. There were lessons to be learned from all of these.

I saw my parents genuinely enjoy each other’s company. Though they had different personalities and interests, they took time to understand and appreciate each other’s differences. They never argued in public. Yes, they had differences of opinion, but they discussed them calmly and never allowed disagreements to turn into arguments. One of them would always step back when things began to escalate. I honestly don’t remember who did this more often, which makes me believe they did it equally—so much so that we, as children, felt the outcomes were fair.

“The one significant thing we shared was mutual love and respect—and a deep love for God.”

They have always been deeply endearing toward one another. Even today, after 59 years of marriage, they still hold hands and call each other affectionate names.

With all this learning, I was ready to step into this new phase of life with a man I had loved for seven years. The first challenge I encountered was that Raj is a perfectionist—highly organised, meticulous, and extremely particular about everything having its place so it could be easily retrieved. For me, these things were incidental—nice to have, but not essential. People and comfort took priority.

“Small things can become very big issues if we allow them to.”

This worried me because I felt that expectations were very high and that I was unable to meet them. Thankfully, Raj was happy to do things himself and only expected me to keep my own things in their assigned places. At times, I wanted to rebel—calling him obsessive, even joking that he belonged in a museum rather than a home. There were moments when I felt I would go mad living with him for the rest of my life. Eventually, I realised that these feelings were not helping at all. They only created distance between us.

I chose to introspect and ask myself: Is this really such a big issue? I began listing all the good things about him—and the list was long. I asked myself whether it was worth making an issue out of something that actually worked to my benefit. Our home was always beautiful and well kept. We could welcome guests unexpectedly without panic or last-minute cleaning. Many people complimented us on our home, and I knew that credit went to Raj’s insistence on order.

Today, I too value order and enjoy coming home to a clean, tidy space. Small things can become very big issues if we allow them to.

“Wonderful—not because it was perfect, but because it was shared with someone I love.”

If I were to describe the last 32 years in one word, it would be wonderful. Not because it was perfect, but because it was shared with someone I love. Together, we laughed, cried, fought, made up, and spent years supporting and uplifting each other. Yes, there have been differences and adjustments on both sides, but when you overlook the differences and focus on the good, you find much to be thankful for.

Our Friday night dates have been one of the highlights of our marriage. No matter how busy life gets—with work, children, or home—we make it a point to spend that entire evening together. We go out, have dinner, and return feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. Setting aside intentional time for each other is critical to a happy married life. These moments allow us to share our joys, sorrows, fears, and hopes.

“Setting aside intentional time for each other is critical to a happy married life.”

One of my biggest learnings has been this: none of us is perfect. We can choose to focus on the little things we dislike about our spouse, magnify them, and destroy peace in our homes—or we can accept our differences, appreciate the good, and thank God and our spouse for what we cherish in them.

This understanding comes from recognising my own imperfections. There are many things about me that Raj may not like. Would I want him to constantly focus on those things and nag me, or would I want him to appreciate the good in me? I chose to focus on the good and work around the rest.

“You can focus on your spouse’s imperfections and lose peace, or choose to focus on the good and grow in gratitude.”

A happy or unhappy marriage is the result of choices made by two individuals united in marriage. It reflects how willing they are to nurture, grow, and invest in the relationship. I do not believe there is anything wrong with the institution of marriage itself. The problem lies in the choices we make within it.

I chose to do what it takes to nurture and invest in my marriage, and today I am reaping the benefits. I feel truly blessed—to have someone I love to share my life with, someone who loves me as I am, respects and trusts me, and finds every excuse to celebrate life together.

“A happy or unhappy marriage is the result of choices made by two people.”

Marriage has taken a lot of criticism from the younger generation today, largely due to the examples of broken marriages they see around them—celebrity divorces, infidelity portrayed on screens, and stories they read. While broken and unhappy marriages do exist, can we blame the institution itself? By that logic, betrayed friendships would mean we should stop trusting friendships altogether.

I believe marriage was instituted by God as a sacred relationship of love and companionship. In the Bible, He has also given us the principles and guidance to make it what it was always meant to be.

Contributed by: Bina Shekar