The Postpartum Roller Coaster

Becoming a mom of two kids in two years was both beautiful and overwhelming. In this honest story, I share my struggles with postpartum depression, the strain it placed on my bond with my firstborn, and how God’s grace, support, and intentional love helped restore our relationship.

Postpartum Depression 0 79 Add to Reading List

Frustrated, angry, tired, bored, moody— I had all the signs of postpartum depression, and my relationship with my first child was really suffering.

A Close Age Gap

We conceived again within two months of my firstborn’s first birthday. With a toddler at home, my body wasn’t ready, and I started showing earlier than usual. Society noticed and worried for me. It was amusing because the same people who celebrated my first pregnancy now frowned at the small age gap. But we wanted it this way—we hoped our children would grow together and be best friends.

My first pregnancy and year of motherhood had been so joyful that we couldn’t wait too long for another baby. My second daughter, Ezra, was born after a planned c-section. She was so tiny, and we breastfed within 45 minutes of birth.

Once a baby arrives, you don’t think much about the months of pregnancy—you just dive straight into motherhood again!

The Real Challenge: Postpartum Months

Second and third pregnancies matter, but the postpartum months are even bigger! My in-laws and siblings were waiting for us at the hospital, but my 20-month-old daughter looked anxious when she saw me. Even a big box of Legos couldn’t cheer her up.

I had prepared her with storybooks and cartoons about being a big sister, but I hadn’t prepared myself.

At the hospital, Aria crept into bed for a hug while my mother-in-law took Ezra for a diaper change. She wanted to breastfeed, just as she had during my pregnancy. In that moment, I realized—she wasn’t my “baby” anymore. She had grown up overnight.

Two days later, I went home as a mom of two under two! With my in-laws helping, the first week was manageable. But once they left, reality struck hard.

Postpartum Depression Hits

Praise God, Ezra was a good sleeper. Even so, the next few months were a nightmare.

I barely ate. I was breastfeeding, caring for two small kids, and still freelance writing—no maternity break. Within 10 days of delivery, I was back to work, and the exhaustion hit me hard.

I cycled through moods: frustrated, angry, bored, hopeless. I adored my baby one moment, then snapped at my toddler the next. I became what I now call a “monster mother.”

Caring for the newborn came naturally. But loving my firstborn became difficult, and that broke me. I felt irritated by her efforts to seek closeness. Was it postpartum depression? Was it nature telling me to focus on the vulnerable baby? Or just my limits as a mother?

I had every symptom:

Overwhelm and guilt
Irritability and sadness
Feeling detached from my toddler
Hopelessness and sleeplessness
Fear of asking for help

For four long months, I battled these emotions.

A Mother’s Love Can Falter—but Children Forgive

Despite my failings, my toddler never stopped loving me. No matter how I acted, she wanted me first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

Children forgive so freely. Their love is unconditional. No wonder Jesus said:

“Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 18:3)

I realized I couldn’t fix this on my own. Only God could change my heart. My church family supported me, and I leaned into prayer and Scripture.

I didn’t take medication. Instead, I focused on gratitude, reading the Bible, and asking God for help. Slowly, with regular walks, better sleep, good food, and slowing my pace, I regained strength.

God reminded me: “My power is made perfect in weakness.”