Single By Choice

This belief is why people start saving gold and cash the moment a girl is born. A single woman — or “spinster” (a term I dislike) — is often looked down upon. Thankfully, my parents thought differently.

My father was firmly against both giving and receiving dowry. My parents encouraged me to find my own life partner. When my mother asked about marriage, I told her, “If I marry, I won’t work — and if I work, I won’t marry.” I felt that one must give 100% to whatever they choose to do. I also believed that God had a specific will for my life, and I wanted to follow it.

My father wanted me to be a doctor, to follow in his footsteps. But at that time, the sight of blood terrified me. I wanted to be a teacher because I loved being with children. As the eldest grandchild on both sides of the family, I enjoyed caring for my siblings and cousins. Even so, my father was unsure about my entering the teaching profession until I finished college.

Soon after, I was admitted into a teacher training college. That was when I knew God was calling me to remain single, and I shared my decision with my parents. They were happy and supportive. I committed myself fully to my vocation — teaching — and also decided to care for my parents in their old age. Though my parents were independent, they told me to support my siblings as well, each of whom had their own unique independence.

I consider it a privilege to have cared for my mother during the last eight years of her life. She passed away at the age of 97. I’ve been in the field of education — both regular and special education — for 46 years now, and I have no regrets.

Being single is not always easy. There are temptations and struggles that only singles can truly understand.

People often assume that since I don't have a family of my own, I must have lots of free time. That’s far from the truth. Singles have their own responsibilities. As I look back, I thank God for the many children and grandchildren I've been connected with over the years. Some of them still stay in touch, and I feel like a proud “mother” when I hear about their achievements. I also find it easier to understand and empathize with other single women.

Being single is not a compulsion — it is a choice. A meaningful one.

Singlehood Has Many Shades

In most cultures — past and present — adulthood has been closely associated with marriage and parenthood. Being single is often seen as a transitional phase before these "expected" milestones. While societal views are evolving and singlehood is less stigmatized today, marriage still remains the norm, and the status of being never married often feels ambiguous or marginalized.

Peter Stein (1981) identified four categories of never-married individuals based on their attitudes toward being single:

1. Voluntary/Temporary Singles

2. Voluntary/Stable Singles

3. Involuntary/Temporary Singles

4. Involuntary/Stable Singles

    

People may move between these categories over time. Whether singlehood is perceived as a choice or circumstance — and whether it's seen as temporary or permanent — significantly influences one's satisfaction and overall well-being.

Voluntary and stable singles, like myself, tend to be single by choice and are generally content with that decision.

In contrast, involuntary and stable singles are often dissatisfied with their singlehood but see it as permanent. This group frequently includes highly educated and professionally successful women for whom finding a suitable partner becomes difficult due to demographic mismatches — such as the scarcity of similarly aged, educated, single men. This category tends to face the most difficulty in adjusting to permanent singlehood.

Stein’s work reminds us of the diversity among single individuals and the central role of personal choice in shaping life satisfaction. Research supports this too. Some individuals consciously and happily choose to remain single (O’Brien, 1991), while others find themselves single due to circumstances beyond their control (Austrom, 1984). Unsurprisingly, the former group reports greater satisfaction.

The Mixed Bag

Yes — singlehood is a mixed bag.

It offers wonderful opportunities to pursue your passions and calling wholeheartedly. But it also comes with real challenges — the longing for companionship, the experience of loneliness (something even married people face), and navigating sexual desires.

How we handle these challenges matters. Many singles struggle with temptations such as pornography or unhealthy relationships that can damage self-esteem and integrity. (Again, this is not exclusive to singles — married people face them too.)

What truly matters is knowing what you believe and what you want. Once that’s clear, you can choose to live intentionally — in a way that honors yourself and aligns with your vision for life.

Take the mixed bag and make the most of it.

Whatever your experience of singleness, embrace it for as long as you have it — and live it fully.

Contributed by Shanti Gnanaolivu