A Life Partner for my Child: What Parents Can Do (and must avoid)

Seven Steps Parents Can Take to Help Children Navigate the Life-Changing Decision of a Future Life Partner

Before we realize it, the adorable little ones we once brought home from the hospital are ready to fly out of the nest, even when we feel they are not quite prepared for the world. Children grow up quickly, and the parenting years often rush by faster than we expect.

The marriage of a child not only alters our relationship with them; it also affects parents’ lives and marriages in significant ways.

Having worked with many families and authored the premarital guide Before the Wedding Bells, we have seen various ways families can walk through this phase together. In this article, we share seven steps parents can take as their children navigate the important decision of choosing a future life partner.

1. Collaborate

In traditional arranged marriages, parents or elders in the extended family made the decision about whom a young man or woman should marry. Today, many young people want to fall madly in love or be swept off their feet by a Prince Charming riding in on a horse!

In some cases, parents are kept completely in the dark about their children’s relational and romantic lives. We believe both extremes are unhelpful. Both generations stand to benefit when this important life decision is made collaboratively, while the responsibility and final choice rest primarily with the person getting married.

2. Model Your Own Marriage

Whether we realize it or not, our children’s expectations and desires are significantly shaped by what they see at home. Not long ago, a young woman who visited our home shared that she did not want to get married after witnessing her parents’ abusive and dysfunctional relationship. At the same time, we know many single men and women who long to marry someone just like their mother or father.

When children reach marriageable age, there is little we can undo about past marital mistakes. However, parents can be transparent with their children about their own marriage journey, how they met, how they decided to marry, and the challenges they have faced in their conjugal life.

3. Equip Them to Make Wise Decisions

Parents must intentionally train their children to make wise decisions that will serve them well in every area of life. Sharing from our own experiences, about discerning God’s will, seeking divine guidance, evaluating alternatives, assessing circumstances, and receiving godly counsel from mentors, will benefit children for years to come.

Impress upon them that the decision of whom to marry is permanent and meant to last a lifetime. Ideally, children would have been allowed to make smaller mistakes in other areas of life and learned from the consequences. Help them understand that marriage is a one-of-a-kind decision that cannot be reversed and should not be rushed or guided by emotions alone.

Discuss various aspects of married life and potential challenges that may arise in the future. Share openly from your own life, including vulnerable moments. Though this may feel humbling, especially when discussing sensitive topics, it provides invaluable learning.

Before children begin college, parents should openly discuss what to look for in a future spouse. Parents and children may also use the first three chapters of Before the Wedding Bells as a guide for these conversations.

4. Cut the Umbilical Cord

No matter how involved you have been in your children’s lives or what expectations you have of them, their marriage marks a clear shift in the relationship. It is time to step back and avoid interfering in their daily lives.

When emotional and financial dependence on parents is not clearly broken, it becomes difficult for children to build a healthy marital bond. The failure to shift allegiance from parents to spouse lies at the heart of many marital conflicts and can sabotage the vitality of a new marriage over time.

Parents should also resist the temptation to control every detail of the wedding. Remember, it is your child’s wedding, not an occasion to display wealth or success. Avoid extravagance and focus on making the day meaningful and memorable for your children. Both parents and children should prioritize the marriage over the wedding.

Wedding expenses should be openly discussed and, ideally, shared equitably by both families. Any form of dowry or financial coercion must be avoided at all costs.

5. Don’t Neglect Your Own Marriage

As your children prepare for marriage, recognize that your own marriage is entering a new season. The health and vitality of your relationship will influence the strength of your children’s marriages.

After marriage, children view their parents with new eyes and may either emulate their example or move in the opposite direction. With fewer parenting responsibilities, you will have more time and resources, steward them wisely to live joyfully and purposefully together.

6. Rediscover Yourself and Each Other

Prepare for the loneliness that can accompany an empty nest and the transition into a new phase of marriage. Whether you are still working or retired, your children’s marriage ushers you into a new stage of life.

Being constantly needed, helping with homework, attending sports events, and managing daily routines, has now come to an end. It is time to rediscover yourself and your spouse. Build friendships with others in similar stages of life, pursue new hobbies, and explore opportunities to volunteer or serve marginalized communities. Many find these experiences deeply fulfilling.

7. Reflect and Get Ready

Reflect on your parenting journey and prepare yourself for grandparenting (yes, it arrives sooner than expected!). This season is often marked by attempts to correct past parenting mistakes, as well as the realization that our children may repeat the same errors we once made.

This phase of life may also bring declining health and other sobering realities. Prepare emotionally, spiritually, and practically for what lies ahead.

Above all else, pray continually for your children and their choice of a life partner. This single decision can bring great joy, or deep heartache, in your later years. As your children marry and you enter the final stretch of life, strive to leave behind a rich legacy of a life well lived, one that future generations will call blessed.