Being Single
It’s always interesting when I am asked the question, “Why are you still single?” — the operative word being still. The reader may already have guessed that I am at an age which earns the tag still… not quite over the hill, and yet not young enough to sing, “I am sixteen, going on seventeen.”
| By Aida
Culturally, I understand the complete absence of sensitivity — and the infringement on personal space — that lurks in that question. In a society where every social gathering is structured around a family, it is incomprehensible to make a choice to stay single. Colleagues my age cannot wrap their minds around the fact that someone so “obviously eligible,” “sweet,” and “naturally gifted to be a nurturer” has not taken on that traditional role.
Years of sidestepping the question have made me rather adept at responding. I flirtatiously throw in, “Find me someone and I’ll be hitched.” The lightness of the moment is nevertheless killed by “well-meaning” matrons who persistently ask, “Well, what’s the real problem? Come on, you can tell me!”
And as you are enveloped in the loving embrace of a well-meaning aunt or uncle, you decide to bare your soul and say, “It just never happened. I really don’t know why. My parents faithfully applied on all the matrimonial sites, and the place where I grew up had more girls than boys... (Note to self: two cheers to my community for nurturing females). But it just didn’t happen, Aunty,” you say introspectively.
I was the friend whom boys would approach and say, “Hey, can you introduce me to your pretty friend? I’m going to marry her someday.” (Oh, brother!) “And if she says no, you’re next in line.” (Oh yippee, lucky me! mock shudder).
Before the reader concludes I must be ugly, let me disabuse you of that notion on two counts: First, beauty lies in the eye of the beholder; and second, I must pass some crude measure of what’s considered “pretty,” considering the admiring glances I get!
It slowly grows on you — being the third wheel in a conversation; having an overprotective wife shoot daggers at you for talking to her husband one minute too long. You get used to not being invited to kitty parties that revolve around parenting — never mind that you practically raise your niece, your comments still aren’t valid. You get used to not staying out late because, in India, thanks to all the Bhaiyyas, you’ll be “in danger” without a male chaperone or suitable marriage certificate in tow.
You get used to it... although it takes some time.
So what does this mean? I honestly don’t know. I must have missed the ingrained How-to-Find-and-Marry-a-Guy memo that comes wired in every female. Or, if marriages are made in heaven, maybe God just forgot to make a match for me. Wait a minute — maybe He chose not to, because I wasn’t designed for that. Or worse, maybe the desire to study further, or to avoid falling for the wrong kind of guy, isolated me during a season of life when I “should have” been seeking love. But before I distribute the blame between God and myself, let me share some of it with the mothers of potential grooms. Perhaps it had to do with the mother who told her son, “I will pick your mate, and you daren’t fall in love!” Or maybe, seeing the haphazardness that marriage can be, I was afraid to take the leap. Whatever the reason — I am here. |
Singlehood: Opportunities and Challenges
We, as a society, often define norms for each stage of life and expect everyone to conform. We are not very kind to those who deviate — whether it be in terms of gender, caste, class, or marital status. So, once a person crosses their early twenties (or even earlier), family and society go into panic mode, making it their mission to get them hitched. Of course, the young person’s desires or readiness are not considered primary in this “manhunt.”
This creates pressure not just on singles, but also on the married. Singles are told they are not “complete” until married, and the married are told they must live happily ever after. Both are unrealistic and unfair expectations.
The Compare-and-Compete Craze
We humans love to compare and compete — whether in education, sports, media, or patriotism — always needing to prove we’re “better.” This mindset spills into our relationships too, as seen in our Instagram posts, Facebook statuses, and perfect family photos. Everyone looks like they have ideal marriages, perfect children, and dream lives — but we all know it’s not true.
Relationships are a work in progress — even the best ones — full of highs and lows. Each is unique and constantly evolving. Yet, we’re expected to have a “happening” singlehood or a perfect marriage. Anything in between is deemed failure.
The pressure is so intense that once singles hit their twenties, they’re made to feel like life is just a countdown to meeting Prince(ss) Charming.
The Prince(ss) Charming Myth
To those still clinging to the fairy-tale version of love — the truth is, you’ll likely meet the prince, the dragon, and the beast… in the same person. All of them will come out at various times. And guess what — you have those sides too.
Singlehood Is a Journey — Not a Waiting Room
Singlehood is a journey into yourself — not a prelude to marriage. If a meaningful relationship comes along and you choose to commit, great! But that’s not the purpose of singlehood.
Enjoy the Journey
No matter where you are — in your 20s, 30s, 40s, or even 70s — embrace the journey. Seize the moment! Explore your interests, pursue your dreams, and live life today.
Learn a new skill. Travel. Have fun. Make and keep friends. Stay healthy. Don’t use time or money as excuses — find creative alternatives. A ₹20 plate of pani puri can be more satisfying than a five-star dinner. Cycling to a nearby village can be just as enriching as a trip to Switzerland. It’s all about your attitude and creativity.
Go alone, or with friends, or with family — just go. Don’t wait to be rescued. Don’t wait for a honeymoon to start seeing the world. Every stage of life offers opportunities for joy and growth.
Yes, there are challenges and pressures. That’s life. But they don’t have to mean the end — or postponement — of your dreams.
Marital maze
Marry for the right reasons when you find the right one. Don’t marry to please others, because of increasing age or even as a solution to loneliness. Marriage is not a solution to life’s problems; it adds another dimension to your existing complexities. How that dimension adds avour and spice to your life depends on how you both handle your marriage. Know what you want from a committed relationship – what are your non-negotiables and wish list. Do not compromise on your non-negotiables. If for me equality in marriage is a nonnegotiable and I married a patriarchal man, our marriage would not have gotten far or well. It is not singlehood vs. marriage. It is about you and living your life today in whatever stage of life you are. As a person who has spent a decade each of my adult life as single and married, I would say it is not about which is better. I have enjoyed both immensely and had challenges in both phases. It is about how you handle whichever phase you are in. It is your life and you have the power over it – not your parents, spouse, children or society.
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