Journeying with a Grieving Friend

How to Support a Friend Who Is Grieving

From losing a cherished friendship to losing someone to death, a miscarriage, a job loss, or a breakup—grief touches each of us and someone we know at some point. Have you often felt helpless and unsure about how to help a friend who is grieving?

A few years ago, Kamala came to me for counselling. She described how painfully difficult it was to follow the normal routines of life after her divorce. At times, she felt numb to her emotions and the world around her. At other times, she would cry uncontrollably for what she had lost. Fear gripped her at the thought that she might never bounce back. Grief is commonly defined as deep mental anguish often associated with the death of a loved one. However, we all understand grief as the raw emotion of intense sadness when experiencing loss of any kind.

From losing a cherished friendship to losing someone to death, a shattered dream to a miscarriage, or a job loss to a breakup—the list is endless. It is an experience that touches each of us at some point in life. Often, it is difficult to know what to say or do when someone you care about is grieving. You may genuinely want to help, but fear that you might say something insensitive, make the person feel worse, or intrude upon their privacy, which makes you hesitate.

Some of us dread loss so greatly that we run away from someone who is hurting. Others may long for their friend to move on quickly and offer plentiful advice without considering their emotional state.

You may feel helpless and unsure whether you have anything to offer to help your friend through their grieving process. Grieving has no fixed timetable. In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the cycle of death and dying while working with terminally ill patients. Many use this cycle to understand the grieving process as well. Like the human body, the human spirit also has an intrinsic ability to fight and to heal. Keeping that in mind, here are some principles to remember when journeying with a grieving friend.

It’s About Her, Not About You

Get over your awkwardness, inhibitions, and clichés. If you genuinely want to help, reach out to your grieving friend. Her world has fallen apart, and she is still struggling to make meaning of or come to terms with her loss. Be available as a listening ear and provide her a safe space to freely express her emotions. Many cultures have rituals associated with grieving because grieving is the beginning of healing. In grieving lies the acknowledgment of loss.

Remember, your friend is the focus of your attention. Take charge and consciously choose to lend your shoulder for her to cry on. Your strength and initiative may give her the opportunity to be vulnerable and genuine.

Commitment Through the Struggle

As a friend, it may require a lot of initiative on your part to show you really care. In the initial days of a funeral, it may be a full house. However, the real battle begins when the house is quiet and relatives and friends have left. This is when a friend can step in and consistently show loving acts of kindness that truly meet needs.

Offer help you know is needed and that you are capable of carrying out. I remember someone who supported her friend by doing her grocery shopping because her friend found it difficult to get out of the house for days.

From dropping children to school to cooking meals, there is much that can be done. A friend going through a dark phase shared how people often offered the clichéd “If you need any help, just ask!” Sometimes, that statement hurt because it was vague and the help ended there.

Can you, as a friend, commit to small acts like visiting, saying a kind word, or offering companionable silence?

Time for Grieving

There has been much debate about how much time a person needs to grieve: “How much longer? When will the memories fade?” One principle holds true—when the grieving person takes help, has loving support, and engages in working through their grief, their recovery is faster.

Putting a time frame on grieving overlooks the fact that each person’s circumstances, loss, and grieving experience are unique. However, if your grieving friend shows no signs of improvement over a considerable period, encourage them to see a counsellor.

Signs to watch for include sleep problems, suicidal thoughts, fatigue, or loss of appetite.

Understanding Grief Helps Us All

The above principles provide a framework for dealing with friends who have experienced loss. As humans, we are all touched by debilitating grief at some point. Understanding grief and being involved with those going through the process helps us handle our own grief on life’s journey. It encourages us to look beyond the superficial and face deeper issues like death, the purpose of living, and our understanding of God.

When the dark valley of grief is passed, its impact can give us strength and depth otherwise unknown.

Stages of the Grieving Process

1. Denial: The initial shock—“This cannot be happening to me!”

2. Grief: Mourning what was shared and what life could have been if the person were still present.

3. Anger and Blame: Anger toward God, oneself, or others who don’t understand your grief. Blaming oneself or others for not averting the loss.

4. Acceptance: Admitting that the person is gone and making your own healthy, personal meaning of the experience.

5. Saying Goodbye: A painful but necessary process of letting go of some aspects while choosing to keep cherished memories.

6. Rebuilding and Resolution: Being able to talk about the future with hope and facing life without past emotional baggage interfering.

Based on:

1. Finding the Right One for You (Harvest Publishers, 1995), “If You Haven’t Recovered – Wait,” pp. 41-62

2. Stages of Death and Dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross