Beyond the Empty Cradle

Our experienced family counsellors answer your questions on relationships, marriage, and family.

Q:

My husband and I have been married for five years, during which we tried to get pregnant, but nothing worked. We went through a series of tests, consulted with medical experts, and followed all their recommendations — but still nothing. We prayed for children day and night, but we remain childless. We used to be so close to each other, always sharing our thoughts and feelings. Now, the intimacy between us seems to be fading. I don’t want to lose my husband too because of all this.

A:
Both of you are probably experiencing many hidden losses due to infertility. Two significant impacts are often a loss of self-esteem and a strained relationship with your spouse. Facing the despair of not becoming pregnant month after month can damage even the strongest bond.

Infertility treatment, especially when combined with performance anxiety, can harm self-worth. It can be very difficult to shift from undergoing invasive medical procedures to maintaining emotional and physical intimacy. When intercourse becomes a scheduled act for conception, the joy of recreation gives way to the pressure of procreation. What was once passionate and intimate may now feel mechanical.

At this point, you both stand at a crossroads: Should you continue treatment? What are your next steps? If treatments continue to fail, you must make one of the toughest decisions of your life — to either live without children or consider alternative ways of parenting.

Whatever path you choose, grieve the losses honestly and together. Despite the disappointments, life after treatment can still be meaningful and fulfilling. Reflect on what gave purpose to your life before infertility. Remember the joy of your early married days. What brought you together? What nurtured your love?

Identify the qualities in both of you that helped sustain your bond through this journey. These same qualities can shape a stronger, deeper connection in your marriage moving forward. Be intentional, loving, and creative in growing together as a couple.

Q:

Ever since we got married, we’ve wanted to have children. We rejoiced every time my wife got pregnant. But for some reason, her body rejected every pregnancy. We have gone through the pain of miscarriage six times. Now, we’ve accepted that we will never be able to have our own child — but we don’t know how to face our future. How should we talk about our childlessness with friends and relatives?

A:
Infertility and repeated pregnancy loss bring deep grief. It is natural to feel a profound sense of loss and unfulfilled longing. Before speaking about your childlessness with others, it’s important to first honor your need for privacy. Every couple must decide how much they are willing to share. Many men may be reluctant to talk about personal struggles, and many women may find it painful to discuss something so deeply tied to their identity as a mother.

Take time together to decide how much you want to disclose. Then, carefully choose the words you'll use. Edit and re-edit. Rehearse the conversation until both of you feel emotionally safe and confident.

Talking about your pain with others requires courage and vulnerability. Choose the right moment — when people are willing to listen and you feel secure enough to open up.

You may choose to explain that infertility is a medical condition affecting the reproductive system, and that millions of couples globally go through it. About one-third of infertility cases are due to male factors, another third due to female factors, one-fifth are unexplained, and the rest result from combined causes.

Be clear with your friends and relatives about the kind of support you need — whether it's empathy, encouragement, practical help, or simply a listening ear.

If you need a break from social gatherings, explain that it’s about protecting your emotional energy. Assure them that you will share updates about your decisions when you both feel ready.